'Odalisque' by PF Jeffery (my comments on Chapter 7)
Chapter 7 - Travelling
much of the time was spent with Cap’n Gentle negotiating rights of passage
Travelling with the canal pirates. Seeing gory battle zones. Practising the art of whip-making. Rites of passage as well as rights of passage, in fact!
Two snippets from this travelling:
Much as he disliked gongoozlers, the Cap’n hated anglers with more vehemence. He kept a pole tipped with a sharp blade to sever fishing lines. If they protested, or were exceptionally ugly, he wielded a pole axe to decapitate them. Once I saw half a dozen heads in the water as I polished the brass work of the motor boat.
Covering my weals was essentially uncomplicated, although it could be laborious. Creating false marks was much more complex. Lady Isobel explained that whipping was an art – and one in which, should our subsequent owners be unskilled, they would not wish our backs to broadcast their shame.
Then Tuerqui is finally ‘debouched’ upon land and farewell to the canal. I love the way Tuerqui has the strong female trait of caring for others’ plights, despite her own. Love and loss of love.
A lot of uncouth chatter is heard.
Many new characters towards the end of the chapter as Tuerqui faces head-on new adventures and dangers.
The writing continues to be compulsive, beautiful and clear. (Still uncertain about the immediate clarity of some elided dialogue).
QUERIES
Amongst the stranger skills were using pancake make up to cover our real lash marks, and sticks of colour to make false ones – often both in combination.
Should not ‘were’ be ‘was’ OR insert ‘using’ before ‘sticks’?
The women examined the ponies in much the way they’d assessed we slaves. It was clear that ponies and slaves alike were being disposed as a job lot. My awareness that ponies are more expensive than slaves increased my disquiet. Perhaps seven weeks before, I had been given two ponies as birthday presents.
“So, seizing we slaves
I included the first passage because I simply like it and it sheds meaningful light. But should not ‘we slaves’ in both cases be ‘us slaves’?
========================
Word docs of the actual chapters are freely available to readers of this blog.
Submitted by
Pet
at 6/28/2008 3:28:06 PM- I've now decided that you're right about:
"Amongst the stranger skills were using pancake make up to cover our real lash marks, and sticks of colour to make false ones – often both in combination."
It now reads:
"Amongst the stranger skills were using pancake make up to cover our real lash marks, and applying sticks of colour to make false ones – often both in combination."
By contrast "we slaves" remains defiantly in place.
Submitted by
des
at 6/29/2008 2:57:23 AM- My comment regarding 'we slaves' was not generated by any grammar check. I read your chapters without any check being shown. 'We slaves' when read aloud does have a more musical sound, but it also *feels* just wrong linguistically (to my ears) and although music of language is important to the poetry and spirituality of your tale, that still perhaps has to be balanced with other instincts of langauge.
Submitted by
Candy
at 6/30/2008 8:12:06 AM- Hi Guys,
I am sorry but I have to agree with Des on this one. Us seems to make more sense than we. I understand that we sounds better but I think us makes more sense
Candy
Submitted by
Pet
at 6/30/2008 11:31:13 AM- I wonder whether a second argument in favour of "we slaves" would appeal to either of you. "We" is grammatical subject, "us" is grammatical object. Perhaps in saying "we slaves", Tuerqui is trying to convey "we slaves are subjects, not objects".
Submitted by
des
at 7/1/2008 10:10:17 AM- That reminds me of the close examination that is needed to do justice to Stylistics (that I studied in the Sixties), i.e. with language bearing a meaning beyond the obvious meaning etc through graphology, syntax, semantics and phonetics. I'm all in favour of this. So if you're happy, I'm happy. :-)
Submitted by
Pet
at 7/1/2008 11:06:52 AM- Great Empress! Are we agreed? Is everyone happy now? Candy? Don't be afraid to say so if you're not.
What no typos?
I see what you mean about "Amongst the stranger skills..." but I'm not immediately minded to change it. My thinking is that "were" is correct because two distinct skills are described. The second instance of the word "using" can be understood, and the word "using" does not need to appear for a second time. That said, I'm not sure and I'll think about it. Perhaps I'll insert "applying" before "sticks" (better than employing the same word twice).
You agree with the Microsoft grammar check about "we slaves"/"us slaves". My preference for "we slaves" has more to do with phonetics than grammar. Try reading the passages aloud, and I think you'll see what I mean. In the contexts, the hard sound of "we" rolls easily from the tongue, whereas the soft sound of "us" seems to knot the tongue. I see the novel as poetic in the sense that the sound of the words is important -- and that small deviations in grammar are permissible if they improve the sound. Others may disagree!
As to the elided dialogue in this chapter (and in Chapters 13-20) -- I didn't think of it whilst writing, but it seems to me now that there is a sub-text in this. She may saying something like: "Yah! You may have the power to enslave me, but you can't even talk properly!" This is interpretation on my part, of course, has no greater claim for validity than the thoughts of any other reader -- but it seems to make a lot of sense.
The way in which Tuerqui cares about those she loves is repeatedly seen. It may be her most likable trait. Perhaps this will keep the reader of Tuerqui's side, even when she behaves very badly. (And she does some bad things, even by her own standards, later in the book.)